Aaaw she turns one tomorrow! 1! Where has the year gone?

My ghetto decorating. Had to throw so many lights out

My new phone! Optimus Prime as I call it lol

My Christmas tree

Jani turns one on the 30th!!!

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Life's jealousies

At Amanda's to see Blake. Yet again another baby to show what I can't have. Its like torture. Does it ever stop haunting, hurting? The perfect little life that I will never have. :(
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Master Blake!

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Janika! 11/20/10 10 days until first birthday!

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Wachovia group interview

Hey!

Went on a group Teller interview for Wachovia this morning. I think it went good. Odd but good. I was EXTERMELY nervous and intimidated (sp). I tried really hard to stay positive and stick to key points that I wrote down. But its degrading in a sense when you lay yourself out there and there more attractive and/or more experienced applicants that they judge you against and pick them.

We got there like a half hour early and walked in to make sure I was in the right place. We went back outside so Adam could smoke and all my confidence and positivity went up with his smoke. Everyone was more professionally dressed and the other applicants were more attractive and younger. Which then Adam berated me for thinking like that. And this whole credit check to get a job. Pfffft. I'll never get a job then. That fucking accident just keep controlling and ruining my life. My confidence is gone, I'm more negative then ever, my body is scarred and disfigured and overweight, I've been denied jobs and advancement because of my disability and my credit is completely ruined and held against me. I can't win for losing. This 'gift' that keeps giving for the rest of my life is no longer wanted. Adam and I are basically starting over and want to do things right but can't if this curse and punishment doesn't let up. This shit sucks.
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I'm so proud of myself for not chewing my nails!

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new nephew! Blake Daniel Edward 11/4/10

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What would you do?

Normally I wouldn't post this on Facebook but it being almost 11:30pm everyone I usually express myself to is asleep. And my blog won't let me post! Stupid blogspot. But we were out tricking or treating tonight. I saw a dog dressed up in a costume and I said to my mum, 'I'm so doing that when I get a small dog! She's going to match my costume!' My mum responds, 'What happened to having a child to dress up?' This gave me a start. I was at a loss for words. I do not discuss the pain of not being able to get pregnant. That is a given for tears and a breakdown. So I just say, 'Well Adam and I have to be together and have sex. We've been apart for the last 3 months. But we've never used protection in our almost 7 year relationship. One pregnancy in 2005 that resulted in miscarriage. I can't get pregnant.' Just the thought makes me sick. 'Well what about adopting?' she asks. 'No adoption agency will let me adopt with my mental issues. They are extermely picky and it takes FOREVER to adopt.'
‎'Even though SO many kids need families. Every crackwhore can get pregnant but barely anyone can adopt Adam wants a son. He is the only male on his side to carry on the name and genes. I told him he can leave me to be with a woman who is f...ertile and give him kids.' My mum hemmed and hawwed then dropped the subject thankfully. I didn't want to start crying in the middle of trick or treaters. Do you know how horrible it is when you can't get pregnant? When all your friends and family are pregnant and/or have kids? Its rubbed in your face daily that you're a horrid person. I try to keep the frame of mind of 'if you don't have kids, its ok' but my heart says different. I usually keep a rein on the emotions but thanks to my mum, I will be crying myself to sleep. Not being able makes me miss my son SO MUCH that it hurts so bad and unbearable. Very unbearable. I went to the gyno the other day to start exams to see what the problem is, waiting on tests results, have to have an ultrasound soon. I'm terrified.

My mum wrote me a note this morning that says, 'Bran, Sorry, didn't mean to upset you. Both of you need to look at both sides very seriously. He shouldn't hold you back and you shouldn't hold you back. Both of you deserve to have what you w...ant, theres only one life. But first Brandi make sure everything is ok@ the doctors and go from there. I love you my beautiful daughter.' if I can't have kids, he's not holding me back my body is. He is fred to go do what he wants and have kids. I don't stake claims to him. And this coming from my mum who wants a little Brandi again and I can't give her that. Thanks for making me feel even worse.